Being born and dying is easy, living is hard.
I’m having trouble writing this down realizing this will be the last thing I’ll ever post. My hands are trembling as of the moment, my body is numb, my feet are cold, and the sound of my voice is the only thought in my head right now. It’s like I can hear my own thoughts. This is not a cry for help nor do I do this for attention. I’m aware that this should never be the answer. I’m aware that taking my life will never make things that I’m going through better. That there is always a better solution but I can’t take it anymore. ”Di na ma kaya”. I feel like I’m trapped in a hole that I can’t get out of. I don’t even think anyone can talk me out of it. I feel like I have no purpose or direction in life. Nothing in this world lasts. Life has always been throwing shit at me and there can only be so much that a person can take before he finally loses it. The world is such a horrible place. Yes, I have seen the beauty in it but this beauty is mixed with selfishness, shallowness and materialism. I tried to be sympathetic, to be fair, to always be down-to-earth, to love and to treat everyone the way I would treat them. And I do this because I chose to do so and not because I was looking for attention or any reward. I have thought about this a lot of times already and I made my decision. Not the wisest one, I can see that, which is why I’d like to say that I’m sorry. I’m sorry to whoever finds my body. I’m sorry everyone for giving up.. I’m sorry I’m a coward. I’m sorry I couldn’t live for you guys. I’m sorry I can’t face reality. I’m sorry most especially to my “family”. To my mom, my brother, and my sister. I’m sorry for all my shortcomings as a brother and as a child. Thank you ma for taking care of me all these years. I know you, among anyone else, will get hurt most of all. I couldn’t bare to think how much you’ll cry for me when I’m gone. I hate that I’m doing this to you. You couldn’t be a better mother as much as you are now. You raised me well. You raised me to be kind to others because it’s not their fault they’re like that. You taught me the value of hard work and perseverance. I’m just sorry I couldn’t apply myself more. You’re the strongest person I know, Ma. I know you’ll get through anything.
To my father, “Vous êtes un trou du cul”, if you think you can escape your responsibilities as a father. In fact, I never had a father figure growing up so how am I suppose to know what a father is? But I’m certain that if ever I would be a father, I would never do the things you did. ( It’s not like you did anything for the most part anyway) I don’t even know why I included you because you haven’t even said as much as a good-bye to me. But really, Papa, as much as I hate what you did, I miss you a lot. We were never the type of family to say I love you, hug each other, or go on family vacations.
Kyle, Don, Jp, and Noel. You guys probably didn’t see this coming because I don’t really open up to you. You guys have been my “family” for the past year. I know I never got to say it much, but I love you guys.
Don, I’m so glad you became my friend. All those stuff we could just relate on, well, there a few exceptions. You know what I mean. You are a strong person despite all your personal problems. I know you can face them better than me. You’re a inappropriate bastard, that’s for sure. Ha ha. But like you said, you’re only like that when you’re with me.
Noel, I bet you’re mad at me right now. You have always had the best outlook in life. You have always been the “anti-suicide” guy. You always sound like you have it all figured out. You’re ambitious and sometimes I wish I just had that trait of yours. You can be arrogant sometimes but I know you’re just proud of what you achieved so you want to show it off. If anyone can pull of those dreams of yours, you can. You definitely showed me what you’re capable of. Just don’t forget to keep your feet on the ground.
Kyle, you have always been my role model. Maybe it’s because you have a good life but I know you’re spending that life of yours well and basically, you’re a good guy and definitely a good friend. I could always count on you when I needed bromance or something cause I’m feeling down. You are like the big brother of our group. I won’t forget the time way back during high-school when we would go home late looking for a multi-cab that was for uptown and we would kabit the entire way there. There, we would share a lot of stuff. Jp was there as well. That was the start and the progression of our friendship. I didn’t mind if we would go home late because I felt like I didn’t want to go home since I had a dysfunctional family. You were my “Papa Kyle”
Jp, my oldest friend, whenever you were there in our hang-outs, it would always be fun. Right now, I don’t know what’s going on with your life. I’m sorry if we couldn’t keep in touch. I’m worried about you and I want you to turn your life around.
Justine, I’m not sure if you’d want a good-bye message or something but I’ll include you since you are part of my life every now and then. There is no doubt you’re a shitty girlfriend but you’re definitely a good friend. I’m happy to know that you’ll always be there whenever I needed you, even if I hate you sometimes.
Kenneth, hey bro. Ha ha. You are a fun guy. Unfortunately, you are having too much fun. You should really turn your life around cause I’m not sure if anybody told you this, but I feel like you’re going the wrong way. But whatever, you get to make your life what you want it to be. I just hope you don’t regret anything stupid you’ll do. I’ll miss you dude.
Miole, Abigail, Grezel, and Van Roe, I don’t know if you’ll get this but thank you. I know we’ve only known each other for a brief time and there is still a lot more stuff I don’t know about you guys but thank you for being my friends and for keeping me company in class. I used to go to class lonely but you guys changed it for me. I was looking forward to finishing college with you and even looking for jobs together but I don’t think that’s gonna happen anymore.
To my other friends, thank you for being part of my life. I don’t get to make a lot of friends. I know it’s trouble being my friend since I’m an introvert and I don’t really have much self-esteem.
Here’s to a big FUCK YOU to life as well. You have turned me into this cynical self-loathing negative person. You always found a way to take away my happiness. I tried to have a positive outlook but you never made it possible for me. I had plenty of expectations but they’re all taken away from me.
Lastly, to my bestestbestfriendforever Yasmin. I saved you for last because you are the hardest one I can say good-bye to. The best memories I had were with you. There’s a lot of stuff I would like to tell you, really. The thought of me leaving you it’s so hard. I never thought I could care about anyone as much as I care about you. You were there for me and my worst and at my best. I couldn’t imagine life without you. You have been a huge part of my life and you touched my life in a way where beyond all this, I could see the beauty in life. Even though life’s beauty wasn’t meant for me. I couldn’t picture myself having this strong friendship with you. I always thought someone of your caliber would care for someone like me. After all, you are perfect Yas. If you could see the way I see you, you would see how perfect you are. You don’t need any of those superficial body treatments. You have been with me every step of the way since early high-school. From the heart aches to the good days. Day to day, I am grateful for our friendship. I can just share anything with you Yas. I can express all my feelings to you and I know that you wouldn’t judge me. I could be comfortable around you that I could just sit right next to you and even if we don’t talk, I would still be happy cause I know you’re there. Now that we rarely see each other, I am happy whenever I get the chance to see you because I know that this person right here is someone I can call my friend. Somebody I can rely on. Somebody I can love and respect. Somebody important to me. I even thought that I would be there during your wedding day. I would see you getting married to this straight up guy. Someone who you don’t see for this looks or his wealth but rather, someone who could make you smile when you’re really down, somebody who wouldn’t see you for your looks but someone who really loves you for who you are, somebody who could bare with your fickle mindedness, somebody you could lean against, somebody who would take all your problems away, and definitely someone who wouldn’t leave you. I even thought I get to meet one of your kids and I’ll be labeled as “Uncle Raph” and if anything bad were to happen to you, I would take care of them for you. I even thought of all those birthdays you have that I would miss out. Your debut or something for example. I would have loved it if I could dance with you. I would write you a letter stating what a wonderful friend you have been and this time, I could read it to you. So there you have it, I don’t think there is anything else you don’t know I wouldn’t say. Yasmin Yap, I’m sorry for doing this to you. Like you, and my other friends, you have your own lives. I don’t even know we’ll be close in the future. There’s nothing left for me. I’m lost. It will hurt you more than it will hurt me but I want you to know that I’ll finally be in peace. I won’t have trouble sleeping anymore. I won’t have to worry constantly about my life and about the future. You have your whole life ahead of you and I’m sure you’ll end up finding true happiness. You deserve it after all. You’re positive outlook has always been a constant inspiration to me. I love you Yasmin. I’ll miss you.
I don’t want anyone to be blaming themselves for this. This is nobody’s fault. Maybe this life wasn’t cut out for me. Maybe I’ll be happier else where. I am certain that 10 years later, you’d forget about this and go on with your lives and please just do that. That’s what I would’ve wanted. I hate being a burden as much as I hate saying goodbye